My friend has cancer— what do I say? My sister’s husband just died— what can I do? My neighbor has to go for a serious operation— is there anything I can do? My nephew is dealing with serious mental illness— I’d like to be there for him and the family but I am clueless.
How do I show up and not do or say the wrong thing? Is it better to just stay away until the situation “resolves?”
I often hear these questions in my own mind; also, from others.
There are no modern books of etiquette-in-a-crisis so I am always on the lookout for sensitive and skillful ways to communicate that I care and that I want to be useful if possible. One possible source can be the greeting card displays in grocery and drug stores. True—there can be problems with the sentiments expressed—too sentimental, too glib, too pretty. Still, sometimes there are real gems.
A few weeks ago, I was at a local CVS pharmacy and came across some wonderfully sensitive how-to’s produced in partnership with Hallmark. Titled “Caring happens when life happens” these cards offer instructions and advice on how to support others in 4 major crisis situations:
- When someone is BATTLING CANCER
- Listen
- Avoid clichés
- Lend a hand
- Humor helps (when appropriate)!
- Stay connected
- Awareness of MENTAL ILLNESS
- Learn
- Share support
- Respect limitations
- Stay connected
- Be compassionate
- Reaching out when someone LOSES A LOVED ONE
- Be you
- Be present
- Lend a hand
- Send a handwritten note
- Avoid clichés
- Be patient
- If a friend or loved one is undergoing a MEDICAL PROCEDURE OR TREATMENT
- Listen
- Make a plan
- Lend a hand
- Pay a visit
- Bring the world to them
- Be patient
There are additional instructions for each of these points. For example, expanding on the suggestion to listen:
“Each situation is unique, so don’t compare someone’s experience to your own or anyone else’s. Allow the individual to share feelings and talk about what’s going on.”
Expanding on the suggestion to stay connected:
“Don’t disappear or avoid the individual. Maintaining contact that is true to your relationship shows the individual that, although their health may have changed, your relationship hasn’t.”
Might be worth a trip to a CVS Pharmacy to get your own set. Caring Happens When Life Happens
